Can I be just a little emo for a second?

This post.... it's gonna be kind of sad.

And it's hard to really write how you are truly feeling when you are doing it on the internet. To quote a movie I recently saw (that was also SUPER good), The Social Network.... "What you write on the internet is written in Pen, not Pencil."

But writing is therapy for me. And I had to write an essay exam today that took me 55 minutes. My hand is so sore from writing I could just saw it right off and chuck it out my window. I have this blog, and typing comes pretty easy to me, so......
Here.
Goes.
Nothin.


First off. Listen to this song. Music has the amazing ability with me to just kind of capture everything I feel and put it into words that I just can't seem to say. Or find.

I remember listening to that song way back in the day and just thinking "How sad is this!" But it is a great song. And I have been playing it in my head all day like I am the main character in a romantic movie just wondering why oh why oh why am I separated from my PERSON.

I do not like long distance relationships. I don't. I can't stand being away from somebody that I love. I hate constantly checking my phone for a text or a call. I hate talking on the phone for extended periods of time. I don't like Skype. It's weird to me. It's almost like some sort of sick tease!

I hate being separated by distance from the person I love and miss, like so much that I can't even explain it.

Quick update: As of now, Dust is thinking that Florida might be where he wants to settle. After juggling a lot of different ideas and spending time down there with my cousin and his roommate, he has decided that he wants to give it a try. It sounds like he has a job lined up, and is looking at apartments right now. He's doing it. He's going through with things.

And I am so sad.

I am completely proud and excited for Dust that he was able to just do it. Fulfilling a goal. But it's at the cost of some major happiness for me. I know thats it's completely my choice: Happiness or Sadness. But I don't like having to choose happiness in lieu of a crappy situation.

Distance and separation after an amazing vacation together is really really hard to juggle and get used to.

And just so ya know, I DO plan on writing about how great of a trip it really was. Just not tonight. I need a couple days to get settled back in and deal with these feelings.

I know that there are people who read this blog that have dealt with heartache, separation and pain from those they love. I also know just from my own experiences, and experiences of others that beauty comes out of the pain. Those are the things that encourage me in this hard time of adjusting and prayer for guidance and help. Because I am extremely close with my mom, I called her today just to kind of vent the frustrations that go along with your boyfriend choosing to move away. Just like I knew she would, she quoted scripture and encouraged me to just stick my head up. At the time, I really got mad at her for not seeing how sad I was. But she told me to read Proverbs 16. I did.

Proverbs 16:1 "We can make our own plans, but the Lord gives us the right answer."
and 16:9 " We can make our own plans, but the Lord determines our steps."
and the last verse, 16:33 "We may throw the dice, but the Lord determines how they fall."

It might not make sense at first why I chose these verses. I find it to be completely sensical (word?). I have no idea where life is headed for me, for Dust, and for our relationship right now. But I have a Father who loves me in the meantime, unconditionally, and who has a perfectly made plan set out for me, for Dust, and for our relationship. And I think that God really wanted me to know that today. He made it perfectly clear in the beginning, middle, and very end of this passage. This was his truth for me today.

Sometimes, God works in pretty simple yet amazing ways. And even though my heart feels pretty beat and broken right now, I feel like there is a "bandage" of healing being set on the surface, placed by God. Reassurance that everything is gonna be okay.

That's all, I guess. Still sad. But trusting, and hoping.


{One last thing, I really missed blogging while I was gone on my vacation. It is good to be back , for those of you who read :) I appreciate you all, and I hope you know that. Thanks for letting me vent. And thanks to the people who are open to sharing about tough times and separation. I get a lot of encouragement from reading your blogs and seeing how God fits into the plan, no matter what}