Student Teaching

Well... it has begun. The busiest time of my life... so far. Now think of how I'll feel when (or if) I start my first teaching job.

I can't tell you what the past couple of days have been like. Nerve wracking? Uh, yea. Being thrust into a brand new environment when you are new and unknown is pretty dang intimidating. Eating lunch with a bunch of new people? Older adults who have taught for years and know exactly how I must be feeling but yet probably can't remember what it's like because it's been so long?

Hard.

My first couple of days have been good so far. Janine is great, and we are getting along very well. She is extremely helpful and keeps me on my toes, which is good because I know how easy it is for me to get lazy and to not take things seriously.

But I am still really stressed out. I go to bed at night with a knot in my stomach because I'm not comfortable in this new environment yet, and I wonder what all my friends are doing at Bethel, and I feel like I'm missing out on college life because suddenly, I can't sit in Royal Grounds for an hour just because I have the time, and I can't go to Chapel because I feel like it, and I can't just go get food in between class and eat it on the go.

Instead, I eat lunch with the Social Studies department. And I carry a lunch box with me to school.

I guess I didn't anticipate much feeling toward what it would be like student teaching because I wanted to not worry about it until it got here. But I genuinely have never felt so alone and nervous in my whole life. This is a trial run of what I hope to be doing as a career for my life... and I'm freaking out! I want so badly to be taken seriously, and yet the students all know that I am new to the school and therefore, a very easy target. And I am horrible at being a disciplinarian. So what do I expect? What can I do?

Today I had to pass out a letter home to parents explaining that I will be student teaching their children for the next three months. And I had to make an announcement to the students about making sure the letter gets to the kids. And I got super nervous! To make a ten second announcement about a measly parent letter. And who is responsible for teaching the next unit starting on Monday, February 7?

Me.

Gosh, what is it about me and getting nervous? I am my own worst critic. I'm so sure of myself right up until the very day I start and then I begin to doubt. I tell myself that I don't have what it takes. I get nervous. I cry. I feel alone and down. But I know that I can do this! I have enough knowledge under my belt to know what I have to say about the Great Depression.... The New Deal.... World War II.... and so on. But I still have to learn how to manage a classroom. And grade papers. And take attendance. And help students who miss class.

I'm underestimating myself.

I just want the knot in my stomach to go away, and the feeling of anxiety to slowly turn to reassurance and calm. No doubt, no self-pity, no fear. Just facing a new situation head on like I know I can. It's three months. That's so little time! Three months of teaching that will help me to determine if this is really what I want to do with the rest of my life.

So I'm just leaning on God, leaning on myself, and trusting that I can do this. Because I know that I can. Getting to that point where I believe it? That might just take awhile.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 10 That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 12:9-10