Crying out.

I said it (I believe) the very first time I ever posted to this blog... I love to journal. I'll admit that I was much more faithful to the ritual of journaling when I was a teenager, but that is due largely in part to the fact that internet really took off more so when I was in high school. I had no other choice but to write, and write... until my hand would cramp and I'd have to take a break, and then I'd write some more.

Well, I want to start out by saying that this is kind of like my now-journal. I have very little time to actually write things out in a diary or notebook and when I do, I get bored of it too quickly and start to do something else. It's a task to physically write these days- isn't that sad?! Anyway, yes. This sort of venting/writing/thinking while typing is very important and special to me. I'm glad that I'm able to pour out my heart to a select few readers and mostly to myself. So I wanted to start this by saying "Thanks" to whoever you are. I know I joke a lot about having a desert blog... Ya know, lots of wide open space FULL of posts and kinda useless information that nobody really visits. And to top it off, I became so lax towards this thing because I became addicted to Twitter, and decided to go to Florida for Christmas, and then didn't have wireless at my parents house! But that doesn't matter. I truly appreciate having this blog, to vent and write and hope that some of the stuff I say is entertaining but also thoughtful to look back on.

That being said, it's been a really rough week. Have you ever heard of Seasonal Affective Disorder, or SAD for short? Yea, I know, SAD! I think I have it. I wouldn't be surprised if every person living in the state of Minnesota has it. This weather is depressing, and it seems there is no end. And to top it off, for some reason, I have had a really hard time this week missing Dusty. That's not very easy to admit on here for some reason. But I lay in bed at night and it creeps up on me and hits really hard. I get really lonesome and really sad especially at nights. I really struggle with the internal thoughts that keep me thinking at nights: why did he leave, why did he move, when will he come back, why am I stuck here, etc. It's not healthy, and it takes a toll on me, emotionally and spiritually. I get really angry with God. And I block him out when I find myself in my lowest state.

Everyone that knows me well knows that I am extremely close to my mom. I love my mom to death and she is definitely one of my closest friends. But I have a hard time going to her when I am in a low place because she always forces me to think to the opposite side of the issue. I don't like being told to think something that goes against what I feel. You know what I mean? I tell her I miss Dusty and I'm mad that she's gone, and she tells me to think happy and to suck it up. And I don't like being told that. Does anybody, really?

It wasn't until tonight when I balled my eyes out, packing for HAWAII of all things, that I finally told my mom that sometimes, I just need her to see me as her daughter and to give me a big hug and just say, "I love you." And that's exactly what she did. And when she said that, I don't know what it was, but it was like I instantly felt okay, and like I knew I could be happy again. Maybe her words that she spoke to me earlier about choosing happiness clicked when she did what I truly wanted her to do in the first place, I don't know. But I felt a peace that I hope will last. I have been LONGING for that feeling ever since the day Dusty left Minnesota and I felt like I was completely alone.

I consider these next few days of relaxation and vacation as a double for really striving to CRY OUT to God. I miss God. Is that weird to say? I've been so wrapped up in the busyness of the holidays mixed with the stressfulness of preparing for student teaching, and work, and friendships, that I have really disconnected with God and it's no wonder those dark, sad feelings creep up on me in the midst of the disconnect. As humans, we can't help but go with our human instinct; to latch onto what feels best for us in the moment, rather than the hope and promise God offers us always if we just choose to trust him and follow him closely, like a best friend, a lover, and a father. I struggle with that thought, but I know that it's best.

I can't help but turn to music to shape my mood when I am just sick of feeling down and out. This is a song that I have clung to all night, and I want to share it on here for people who are reading:


Prayers for strength and hope for me this week. I need a vacation, that's for sure.

Thanks for reading. This blog really does mean a lot to me, and I really appreciate that I have people who are following me in the journey through reading my blog posts. I love you all! And I wish you all a wonderful restful weekend.

-Casey