January 30th, 2011: I wake up for the day. It's a Sunday. I go to church for the first time in probably 3 months. I have a pit in my stomach. I am slowly inching through the day waiting for bed, but dreading it. Because tomorrow, on January 31st, I start student teaching high school students. I don't like change. I hate having to walk into situations where I am new and feel like I don't fit in. I secretly go to my room and cry because I feel alone and completely unsure of myself. My boyfriend is living in Florida. My self-confidence is low. I pray to God that he will be there with me, although at the time I feel like my faith isn't at its best. I'm completely nervous and force myself into bed at 9 p.m. Surprisingly I get enough sleep and wake up the next day at 6. Day 1. Pick out an outfit- Black pants, cream colored shirt with a t-shirt sweater over it. Wearing my new boots that I got for Christmas. I hit the road, it's freezing cold. But at this point, I have to go. I feel like crying again. Did I mention, I really really don't like change?
May 13th, 2011: I wake up for the day. It's a Friday. I quickly turn on E! as I get ready for my last day of student teaching (the Royal Wedding festivities are still creating a buzz). I have lasted three months as a student teacher of 105 tenth graders. I really feel like I fit in. I love the people I work with. I love my students. I love what I did for three months, without pay. I pray to God that he will help me not to cry because oddly enough, I feel a sort of emotional attachment to this place where I have been a fixture for so many weeks. I pick out an outfit- Jeans (hey, it's my last day, plus a Friday!), and a short sleeved t-shirt (it's getting pretty hot out these days). I'm wearing my new Toms shoes that Dusty got me for my 22nd birthday. Did I mention, he was home now? Moved back in March, much to my surprise and happiness! I'm almost done with college. Did I mention, I really really don't like change?
June 23rd, 2011: I just completed a site visit for a youth organization I interviewed with after graduation. It went horrible. The interview had been great. I loved the people I interviewed with, and I felt like this just might be a great fit. The site visit was awful. The people I met with weren't relational and I felt like a complete outsider, unwanted and not really needed. It's a 95 degree day in hot Minneapolis. I am sweating profusely through my clothes. I burned my neck on a curling iron and so it looks like I have a hickey. I can't throw up my hair because how would that look to a group of young troubled youth to have a potential new leader with a mysterious red mark on her neck? This sucks. I am interviewed unknowingly for a second time after the site visit. I'm completely unprepared. The director doesn't shake my hand as I leave. I pray to God... why didn't this work? Why did I set my hopes so high on working here? Why haven't you opened up an opportunity for me to be a teacher? Why do I feel like I have no direction? I'm done with college. I'm not married, far from it. I feel like I'm going nowhere. Did I mention, I really really don't like change?
August 22nd, 2011: I just spent the previous night at the wedding of two close friends. I couldn't enjoy myself because my mind was on this morning. First. teaching. job. interview. Yikes. I feel completely unprepared. I'm wearing a new outfit- a navy blazer with black flats and pants. I try to look as professional as possible, although the people I am interviewing with are people I know. I am lucky to have an interview at the school I student taught. I know this job is part time, but it's good experience. I can't decide how I feel about it all yet- am I really ready to start teaching again? Is this really a good fit for me? Am I cut out? What questions are they gonna ask me? I pray to God that he will speak through me rather than disappear when I need him most. I've been a regular attendee of my church- people there know about this interview and are praying for me daily. I feel like this is it- if I don't get this job, than I am giving up. I'm not cut out for teaching. I don't know what else I'll do, even if I don't get the job. Did I mention, I really really don't like change?
October 23rd, 2011: I am currently laying in bed, writing reflections on those past 3 dates. I feel great. I got up this morning for church, where I have been attending regularly since that cold Sunday in January. I had lunch this afternoon with my grandparents, and ate until I was full. I spent a couple of hours preparing for my next great adventure- my first teaching job as a long term substitute- at the school I student taught at. Tomorrow I will be reunited with some great co-workers who I have really missed. I will be reunited with several former students who I have REALLY missed! I haven't picked out my outfit yet- I'm sure I'll figure it out tomorrow morning. I'm anxious, but I'm excited. I haven't shed one tear. I just got done talking with my fiance, who prayed for me over the phone for guidance tomorrow. Oh, did I mention we are getting married on June 22nd, 2012? I am really going to be a teacher tomorrow. I'm going to get paid for it, too! I am cut out for teaching. I didn't get hired at the youth organization. I didn't get the part time job, but they offered me this instead. And this really is God's work- making this all happen for me. Will I find something when this is done? Yes, I will! There will be something out there for me, even when I wrap up this job, in January. By the way, you'll have to check back with me on January 23rd, to see if I still don't like change or not. We will see :)
Wow. Crazy what can happen in a year, huh?
